|"Thank you for calling the Canadian Armed Forces"
Thank you for calling the Canadian Forces.
We are sorry, but all our units are out at the
moment. Please press '1' to leave a message, with your
country, name of organization, region, details of the
specific crisis, media relations plan, exit strategy,
and a number where we can reach you.
As soon as we have sorted out East Timor, the Balkans,
Iraq, marauding Chinese refugee boats, The Combat Bra,
The Millennium Bug, ice storms, floods, prime
Ministerial lip-slips, marching up and down the
streets of Toronto with snow shovels and compulsory
Diversity Training, we will return your call.
Please speak after the tone. For other services,
please listen to the following options:
If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press
'2' for the Canadian Navy.
If your concern is distant, with a tropical climate
and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two
low-risk bombing runs, please press '3' for the
Canadian Air Force. Please note that this service is
not available after 1630 hours or on weekends.
If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be
resolved by a bit of rifle drill, a color party and a
really good marching band, please write, well in
advance, to The Commanding Officer, Governor General's
Foot Guards, Ottawa, Ontario.
If your enquiry is not urgent, please press '4' for
the 2nd Canadian Mechanized Brigade Group Quick
If you are in immediate and serious danger, press '5'
and your call will be routed to The Royal Canadian
Army Cadets, Upper Rubber Boot, Saskatchewan.
If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to
be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis,
put your life partner and family in a condemned hut
miles from civilization, and are prepared to work
your butt off daily, risking your life in all weathers
and terrain, both day and night, whilst watching the
Treasury Board eroding your original terms and
conditions of service, then please stay on the line.
Your call will shortly be taken by a bitter
Recruiting Sergeant in a strip mall somewhere in
Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for
trying to contact the Canadian Forces.